It's So Been Done Before
by Ice of the Kitsune's Fire
Summary: ATTENTION READERS! We shall now begin our examination of every possible cliche aspect that the relationship between Natsu and Lucy has to offer. Keep your hands inside at all times and secure all of your belongings... and enjoy the ride.
1. Exhibit One, or Three's a Crowd

Once upon a time, there were two characters created by a brilliant mangaka named Hiro Mashima. There was a lot of speculation of the two getting together, seeing as how they were the main characters, and while not all of the fans supported the idea of the two getting together, they were still quite a popular pairing. Their names were Natsu and Lucy.

Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away (but it was really just the Pacific Ocean), a young wannabe writer decided that she loved his manga and wanted to write fanfiction for it.

The first thing she did was go through the fanfiction archives and read pretty much every single NatsuxLucy story available, because she was a nerd like that and loved the pairing to death. But _then_… then she saw a reoccurring pattern in the world of fanatical writing.

_**Cliché plots!**_

It was terrible! It was tragic! It was horrifying- but she loved every minute of all the terribly written plots, full of fluff and drama and things that have been used

Too.

Many.

Freakin'.

Times.

While she despised the idea that no one wanted to come up with an original plot, she had to admit that a good deal of her own plots were rather cliché as well, and it wasn't as if she _disliked _the authors that wrote the cliché plots. Just the opposite; she adored them. It was then that an idea hit her!

She would pay tribute to both her current obsession and all of the authors out there that used the same tiresome plots to get a reaction out of the readers! She would be brave! She would struggle through endless writer's block and headaches! She would strive to uphold her (non-existent) honor as a writer!

That girl is me, and so begins the documentary of all the possible cliché situations that Natsu and Lucy can possibly get into. Don your lab coats, dear readers. Do not forget your safety goggles.

We are now going to examine Exhibit One.

* * *

><p><strong>Cliché Situation #1:<strong> _In which_ Natsu and Lucy become out of character and act all lovey-dovey as a result of a 'Type A' jealousy situation…

* * *

><p>Today was the day! Lucy yawned as the sun's rays hit her face, sitting up in her bed. The weather was gorgeous, her spirits her high- <em>today was the day<em>.

She didn't realize she had spoken her thoughts aloud when Natsu stretched beside her and queried, "What are you talking about?"

The blonde did a double take, turning to see Natsu beside her on her bed, and let out a hysteric screech. "_WHY THE HELL ARE YOU IN MY BED?"_

Natsu chose this moment to give in to the cliché plot's power, and said rather cheesily, "I wanted to see ya, Luce!"

"GET OUT!" Lucy blushed scarlet, and proceeded to throw the poor dragonslayer out the window.

"Now. _As I was saying,_" she cleared her throat, hopping out of bed to get dressed (and lingering on Natsu's spot- the blankets were warm, but Natsu had heated the bed and it was comfy and- _oh, what was she doing_? "Today is the day!"

As Lucy stripped down to her underwear and began dressing, Happy's voice repeated Natsu's question. "What are you talking about?"

Lucy screeched yet again and shoved on her shirt. "Happy! What are you doing here?"

Happy grinned cattishly (_get it? Get it-? Never mind…_) and licked a paw. "I'm always with Natsu, slow Lucy!"

"I'm not slow!" She straightened herself up and coughed importantly. "Today, I'm going to… Natsu… er… I… Uh…" Her will shook at the thought; she slouched onto the bed, and Happy laughed.

"You _liiiiikkeee_ him!"

"I _don_-!" she paused, and blushed scarlet. (At this point, the author writing her decided that now was a great time for her to succumb to the power of cliché plots.) "Okay. S-so what if I-I do?"

Happy gave her a long stare, and then said quite seriously, "if you're going to confess, do it with fish."

"W…why?" Here, the author wanted Lucy to resemble that of an anime character despite the fact she _wasn't_ one, and inserted a; Lucy sweat-dropped.

"Because that's what I do with Charle," Happy nodded sagely.

A silence. "But… does it even work…?"

Happy looked down suddenly, very depressed-like, but quickly got up cheerfully. "I'll go tell Natsu!"

"D-don't!" Lucy squealed. "I-I don't know how he'll react, and, and, I want to do it myself! S-so-!"

"Alright, alright," Happy frowned. "Don't be so serious- I was just kidding. I was actually gonna go see Charle. See ya, Serious Lucy."

"Don't call me that-!" she sighed as Happy left her apartment in search of a certain Tsundere female cat.

Lucy donned her best outfit and called Cancer to do her hair. When he asked what the occasion was, she screeched impressively and quickly denied it had anything to do with pink-haired dragonslayers that barged into girls' apartments too many times and ate too much. Cancer smirked as he wrapped a ribbon around a bunch of strands.

"It's Natsu-san, isn't it, ebi?" His tone was sly as he tied up her hair. "You're going to confess to him today, ebi?"

"Well, I-I-I, well, see, I don't know how to c-c-c-c-" she choked on the word. Cancer patted her on the back reassuringly.

"No problem, ebi!" he put away his scissors and sat down, prepared to give her a lecture- she was, after all, born under his sign. "Just make sure that you present him shrimp, ebi."

The blonde summoner blinked. _Actually, using food with Natsu wasn't a bad idea at all…_

"And don't forget to use protection!"

Lucy blushed a tomato red and seethed at Cancer to return to the spirit world, setting out for the guild.

It took careful minutes, but Lucy managed to reach the guild without getting a single stain on her clothes (and owing to the fact she was a part of Fairy Tail, that was quite an accomplishment). That achievement was quickly tarnished, however.

"Lucyyy!" Cana crowed, throwing an arm around the girl as she walked in, and subsequently spilling alcohol all over Lucy's favorite, expensive shirt. The blonde's lip wibbled (which was a made up word, but fitting, so the author decided to use it anyway).

"M-my top…"

"Forget that," Cana brushed the matter aside. "Check it out, Lucy! The one thing the entire _guild_ has been waiting for!"

That got Lucy's attention. "What do you mean…?"

Cana sat Lucy down at a table, and gestured to Natsu, who to Lucy's chagrin, was sitting with Lisanna, avidly engaged in a conversation.

"They've been friends for, like, _ever_," Cana chided. "The entire guild has been waiting for at least one of them to make a move, and- _ohmygoshlook!_"

Lucy turned her head so quickly she got whiplash- the adorable white-haired girl had hugged Natsu, and the two of them were laughing.

Lucy stared in disbelief- _no, actually, this was believable; after all, they had always been close friends, and Lucy couldn't possibly replace Lisanna_-, her heart dropping into her stomach as Natsu likewise put an arm around Lisanna in one of his famous bone-crushing hugs.

They were… _together_? The thought hurt. Tears gathered in the corner of her eyes, even as Cana cackled loudly and raked in cash from multiple onlookers, likely from bets that had been made a while ago.

Granted, she thought to herself miserably, Lisanna was a very pretty girl. Natsu noticed her from the corner of his eye, and smiled widely, beckoning for Lucy to come over to the bar, where he and Lisanna were chatting.

Fingers balled tightly into a fist, Lucy lightly walked over to the table, her head in a jumble and her heart heavy, and all that other gag-inducing lovesick rejection crap that one might read when coming across a romance novel involving strong jealousy.

"So, Lucy," Natsu beamed. "Lisanna and I were talking-"

"Yeah, I know," the blonde spat bitterly. Natsu and Lisanna looked at her in surprise. Lucy groaned and waved it off. "Whatever. You were saying?"

"Well," the flame mage's smile faltered infinitesimally, but quickly repositioned itself. "We've been spending a lot of time together nowadays, and we actually got into this really interesting discussion-"

Lucy listened as Natsu described exactly _how_ they had gotten into the said discussion. Jealousy boiled within her, her face heating- she knew well that she didn't have a right to be jealous (Natsu wasn't hers, anyway), but this… this was just too much!

"S-stop!" Lucy choked, cutting off the boy mid-sentence. The entire guild looked to the blonde in surprise. "Enough!"

"L-Lucy? What's wrong?" Lisanna fluttered uselessly over Lucy, who brushed off the girl.

"L-look!" Lucy cried out, hot tears spilling down her cheeks (insert poetic description of the very essence of heartbreaking pain and love). "It-it's okay if you guys _date_, but you could at least… at least _tell me!_"

Natsu stared, shocked.

"We're friends! I should be the first to know about these things! A-and, Natsu, I-I-!" The words rushed out before she could stop them, all in one big gush. "_Iloveyou!_"

The entire guild was silent.

Then, abruptly, cheers burst throughout Fairy Tail. Confused, Lucy wiped away a tear as Lisanna broke into a chipper laugh, joining Mirajane in a giggle fest. As Juvia congratulated Lucy on 'moving on' from Gray, Lucy turned to Lisanna.

"What's-what's happening?"

"We all took bets," Cana came up to Lucy with bags of Jewels in her hands, grinning like a madman, "on whether or not you'd crack if you saw Lisanna with Natsu. _Man_, I'm a genius! It actually worked!" She patted Lucy on the back rather condescendingly as Lucy's face flushed deeper and deeper.

Natsu was still rooted to the spot, mouth open and gaping like a fish.

"And Natsu wasn't in on it, either," Lisanna chuckled. "Sorry about it," she tacked on, throwing the still-frozen boy a glance, "but it was for your own good."

"N-Natsu?" Lucy fiddled with her fingers. "A-a-are you okay-?"

The dragonslayer suddenly gathered Lucy in a scorching embrace, and she squeaked in surprise.

Before the spirit mage could react, his lips were on hers, soft and unyielding and all that crap (if you want the details, please open up any conveniently placed Twilight (by Stephanie Meyer, that one woman who basically created Mary Sue and Marty Stu) novels you may have with you and turn to page 282. Paragraph 5, line 15). When they broke apart, his eyes smoldered into hers, as if he could read her soul.

(We all know Natsu's too dense to really do that, but he _does_ know her rather well. The author decided to let this one slide.)

"Oh, god," Natsu ran a hand through his messy hair, and kissed her once more. "I love you too, Luce." Her knees turned to mush and she melted into his arms with a dreamy sigh.

Cana raked in the cash.

* * *

><p>….the story eventually concludes with a 'Type C' misunderstanding, resulting in the love interests to reunite, typically involving a very steamy kiss.<p>

Ladies and Gentlemen, feel free to take a break. When you are ready, don your lab coats and safety coats once more (please note that direct exposure to fluff may be severely harmful). We will now be proceeding to Exhibit Two.


	2. Exihibit Two, or Mondays Suck

Have you come back for more, dear readers? I must warn you, if you continue to venture into this exhibition hall, you will be exposed to high concentrations of pure fluff, which depending on the person, could be threatening to your life, and even your sanity.

As well as your appetite.

No? Even the threat of the loss of your _appetite_ won't make you halt? Alas, I cannot stop you. Have you remembered your safety gear? Good, good. Please step this way, Gentladies and Ladiemen. Please sign the documents we will be handing you. We do not want to be responsible for any mental scarring/injuries, vomiting, nausea, diarrhea, deaths, or what have you that will be occurring.

Prepare your gas masks, dear readers. The fumes of the following exhibit can be highly dangerous. Please note that fluff may or may not be good for your kidney. Are your clipboards and pens ready?

We are now going to examine Exhibit Two.

* * *

><p><strong>Cliché Situation #2:<strong> _In which_ Lucy is a high school student that arrives at a new school (usually aptly named 'Fairy High', or something of the like), and meets Natsu. The two continue to do the following:

a) Hit it off immediately, as she instantly becomes liked and well-known, for her 'modesty' and hotness. Matchmaking cliché scenes usually involving dances, beaches, dares, and parties ensue.

b) Undergo a dramatic love-hate relationship until they are forced to come to terms with each other somehow, and fall in love despite the fact that he is a jock and she is a nerd. The two continue on to collapse the social ladder with the power of TWU WUV.

c) Go through the typical high school experience of being average and dorky and just cool students who go through life at school. Type C High School settings are usually spiced up with one or two elements from the other High School Types.

or

d) Start off with Lucy as just an average student who undergoes traumatic bullying from the 'populars' (this sometimes includes Type F Abuse from parents to add in drama), and meets Natsu, who helps her see the 'light'…

* * *

><p>Lucy woke up with butterflies in her stomach, churning and flopping. With a groan, she slammed her alarm clock the second it began to scream at her.<p>

A second one began to beep- Lucy picked it up and threw it at a wall. It crashed into smithereens as she rolled out of bed, dumped herself from the warmth of the blankets, and decided what she was going to wear to school.

_Her first day at school…_

She was so excited! With a squeal, Lucy rummaged through her closet, threw on her best outfit, and grabbed her _third_ alarm clock before it could ring and tossed it out the window. (That was the fifty-seventh clock this week… oh, well.)

Lucy raced down the stairs (the scene can be varied from one of the following:

a) she was careful not to wake her still-sleeping parents, who were lazy and drunkards who abused her daily because she was too pretty for them, which made her a total Mary Sue

b) her parents were already out at work. Kind, nice people they were. She happily skipped down the steps

c) she tripped down the stairs and almost got a minor concussion because she was the classic I'm-clumsy-and-naïve-but-really-pretty-heroine, and they did things like stumble around and be cute and make Tsundere-type characters love them).

Pouring herself a bowl of cereal, she attempted to inhale her breakfast, eager to get to her new school; at the same time, however, she was dreading it.

The school, which was named Fairy-Tail-High-or-something-like-that-she-was-pretty-sure-it-was-overused-and-had-something-to-do-with-that-one-manga-about-a-gorgeous-blonde-summoner-and-a-pink-doofus,-or-something-really-corny-and-average-that-every-other-school-was-named, (and _yeesh_, that was a long name!) had a reputation amongst the area.

Fairy-Tail-High-or-something-like-that-she-was-pretty-sure-it-was-overused-and-had-something-to-do-with-that-one-manga-about-a-gorgeous-blonde-summoner-and-a-pink-doofus,-or-something-really-corny-and-average-that-every-other-school-was-named was an art school, so its students had a reputation for being eccentric. There were rumors of a boy who claimed to be a dragon and loved manga (his hero was a certain Hiro Mashima), a red-headed sculpture artist who liked sharp things, and even a exhibitionist of a poet, who was known for his eight-pack and touching haikus.

Because Lucy was a high school student, she drove herself to school.

(Here, the author left out a long, thoughtful rant about Lucy thinking about her school, her anticipation for class, her dreams, and her background. That wasn't important. The important is what follows. Seriously. Why do real-life authors put in long boring background explanation about the characters? We're bound to find out _sooner_ or later…)

However, it could be said that the school was huge and overwhelmed Lucy as she walked in. It looked more like some kind of… guild from that one manga by Hashima Miro or whatever his name was… and its sign, which had only its name, took up four entire boards.

'_Welcome to Fairy-Tail-High-or-something-like-that-she-was-pretty-sure-it-was-overused-and-had-something-to-do-with-that-one-manga-about-a-gorgeous-blonde-summoner-and-a-pink-doofus,-or-something-really-corny-and-average-that-every-other-school-was-named_!'

She stared at it awkwardly and stepped inside.

The homeroom teacher, a small old man with an old man introduced himself as Makarov, and had her stand in front of the class and introduce herself. (He was _totally_ staring at her butt- _awkward_…)

As she walked into the room, the first thing she saw was _pink_. Remembering that it was rude to stare, Lucy averted her eyes, looked down, noting how the classroom seemed curiously like a bar. And the students were all sitting at stools. Some of them were… smoking and drinking? _Were these people really high school students…?_

"M-my name is Lucy Heartphilia," she mumbled, and added in the typical Japanese greeting, "please take care of me." (Lucy wasn't even Japanese, but the power of otaku-obsession and crap made this line extremely popular amongst High School Clichés, so the author added it in. It couldn't hurt.) She looked up hesitantly as Makarov waved her to an empty seat.

And her eyes landed on the pink that she had seen earlier- in the form of a pink-haired boy.

Their eyes met! Oh, it was wondrous! It was glorious, it was (insert long, poetic Shakespearean-type description of love here)! His eyes were a most curious onyx, yet burned with the passion of a million suns! She couldn't tear her gaze away from him, even as she sat down in her seat-

-and a loud _PBBBBBBBBBBT_ emitted from her chair.

Lucy jumped up in horror as the entire class burst into laugher, to see a Whoopee cushion she had not seen before, staring innocently back at her. The odd, pink boy sitting next to her was laughing the hardest, and her wonder quickly turned into anger.

"It was _you_, wasn't it?" The blonde seethed, picking up the cushion and slapping it right into his face.

The entire class went silent (except for Makarov, who was probably hard of hearing or something because he didn't even turn away from the chalkboard that looked like it was clumsily hung against a bar), and Lucy was afraid she had done something wrong, when the entire class burst into cheers.

Makarov droned on about some random formula as the pink-haired boy sulked and muttered his revenge plots. The girl to Lucy's right leaned over from her barstool and gave her a wink.

"Good goin! Natsu does that to _everyone_ on their first day. You're the first one I've seen stand up to him. My name's Cana," the brunette offered. Lucy appraised the girl with a glance- she had a barrel of alcohol hugged to her side, and nothing on but a bra and some pants. Her skin was smeared all over with oil pastel.

_Was this… really a normal art school?_

"Oh, hi there Lucy!" a bright voice sounded from behind her- Lucy turned to see _the_ Mirajane, the infamous musician that _all_ of the parents gossiped about, and gasped. "My name's-"

"Mirajane!" Lucy burst. "You're, like, my _idol_! Oh my gosh! I can't believe I'm in the same class as you! And you're sitting behind me! And-"

"Shut up," the (pink!) boy pouted as Mirajane giggled. "No one wants to hear you squealing like a pig."

Lucy whirled around at him and hissed like a cat, making clawing gestures. He shrank back.

"Oh, don't mind him," Mirajane waved absently. "Natsu's always like that. He'll warm up to you eventually- he always does!"

But as school continued, so did the pranks. She met the famed Gray, the famous swimmer Juvia (who only went to an art school to fawn over Gray), and even Erza, who was President of the Student Council and was renown for making a sculpture twice her own height using only twine and… kitchen knives. That was relatively disturbing.

They were all nice, but that Natsu, that _damned_ Natsu… Lucy grit her teeth as erasers and buckets of water fell onto her several times that day, and even ice found its way down her shirt. He was in _all_ of her classes!

Days and weeks passed- the treatment continued. (Insert long, overdramatic story about rumors of pregnancy, jealousy, ten chapters worth of character development that wasn't really character development and just love interest development which was also kind of character development, parties, and more.) The pranks grew less in number, but Natsu simply _wouldn't_ leave Lucy alone! Mirajane giggled to herself knowingly, but refused to tell Lucy anything, as did Gray, Erza, Juvia, Cana, and all the others. Lucy sulked, dragging through each day painfully.

(So maybe Fairy-Tail-High-or-something-like-that-she-was-pretty-sure-it-was-overused-and-had-something-to-do-with-that-one-manga-about-a-gorgeous-blonde-summoner-and-a-pink-doofus,-or-something-really-corny-and-average-that-every-other-school-was-named wasn't _that_ great of a school, after all.) The only thing she found solace in was the writing classes, which she enjoyed thoroughly along with the poetic Gray (much to Juvia's resentment) and Loki, a flirt that had actually had a decent sense of morals when it came to things not involving girls.

"Natsu?" Loki said to her one day when she mentioned the pranks, confused, during passing time as they walked to their next class. "Yeah, he's a total prankster. But the ladies love him."

"They _do_?" Lucy's jaw dropped, flabbergasted. "But he's a total doofus!"

"I know," Loki sighed, clearly hurt that someone had one-upped him, "but he's the main male protagonist in a high school drama story. That makes him a prankster, a flirt, a jock, a nerd, a 'popular', a gangster, an outcast, _and_ a talented freak." He shrugged as if this came up every day. "That's the way things are."

Lucy sulked as Natsu passed by, somehow handling three girls, a Whoopee cushion, a football, three textbooks, a soda, a pocketknife, a skateboard, _and_ a sketchbook with pencils, all at once. A double take confirmed that he hadn't sprouted several arms at once, and was just really good at multitasking.

Natsu didn't let the glance go by. "Oh, I see," he said slyly, as all the items miraculously disappeared due to the author's poor handling of situational ethics and stuff . The author didn't really care to research the term, and thus let the whole thing slide because it sounded pretty cool. "You're into me, aren't you?"

Loki twitched; Lucy held him back from charging Natsu and sighed. "What makes you think that?"

Immediately, Natsu changed rolls. "Now don't ya be messin' with me, foo. You betta watch ya back, man, ya hear? I'll be out for ya if ya lie to me! I'll mess ya up real good!" he paused, and tacked on at the end, "Peace!"

Natsu proceeded to put on chains, black sunglasses, and attempt to break dance. He fell onto his face.

Lucy gaped as Natsu changed yet again, getting up and patting the dirt off his clothes nonchalantly: "Oh. Sorry about that. It slips. I don't want trouble, you know?" He adjusted his magically-popped-out-of-thin-air-glasses. "You see, I come from a rich family, but they really don't understand me. I came to this art school because of its atmospheric freedom. I love it here. But you're new, and I'm an outcast. I'll understand if you don't want to work out a friendship. You see, I secretly cut myself because I am a poorly written character, and I need help. You're the one that will help me. Because you're the main heroine and everything."

"Me…?" Lucy pointed to herself.

Natsu nodded and switched personas as quickly as he had before. "Oh, hey, Lucy! It's cool to see you again!" He beamed at her- the smile was too bright. She had to shield herself from the light. (At this point, Loki had disappeared because he was no longer necessary to the plot, and the author therefore vanquished him). "Want to see my sketchbook?"

At this point, the busty girl was growing cautious of the boy; she took the sketchbook warily and flipped it open to the first page. Multiple sketched of a white-haired girl covered the sheets, each stunningly beautiful.

"Oh, this looks nice. Who is this?" Lucy asked, pleasantly surprised. Natsu was weird, but he was _good_. Really, really good!

"O-oh…" Natsu's voice faltered, drooping into a solemn baritone. "That's… that's Lisanna…" a tear dripped down his cheek as he began a heartfelt speech. "She was my girlfriend last year, but she died in a tragic car accident, forever changing everyone's lives. I put up this façade, but it's not the same without her- _I'm_ not the same! I have to move on… somehow…"

Suddenly, Natsu grabbed Lucy's arm and smiled brightly, sobbing demeanor gone. "You should go out with me!"

Her face heated up at the contact- he was so… so _warm!_ And he really wasn't half-bad looking…"E-eh? Are you serious?"

Natsu cornered Lucy into the lockers, a dangerous glint in his eyes as he licked his lips predatorily. An involuntary shiver rushed down her spine.

And that was how Lucy Heartphilia and Natsu Dragonil began dating.

* * *

><p>"-and that's how I met your mother," Natsu finished the story, chortling proudly to his son, turning off the lights and patting the child reassuringly. He had pink, scruffy hair like his father, but chocolate orbs like his mother. (It should be mentioned that he had a cat named Happy. His fur was dyed blue. And the poor thing believed it could fly, and constantly jumped down the stairs. They had taken the animal to the vet at least several times that <em>week<em>.)

"Daddy?" The boy cocked his head adorably, and Natsu managed a proud grin as his blonde wife watched from behind them fondly. "Isn't there more to the story? I mean, yesterday, you even told me about your time dating, your ex-girlfriend problems, your daddy issues, _Mommy's_ daddy issues, your college time, long-distance relationships, your marriage, and even when you guys had se-"

"Natsu!" Lucy snarled murderously.

"Wooahh there," the pink-haired man chuckled nervously. Natsu tousled his son's hair with an affectionate, cheeky grin, and leaned in close so Lucy couldn't see his conspiratorial wink to his giggling son. "I'll tell you the details tomorrow night."

Leaning in even closer, he whispered, "You'll thank me when you're older."

"NATSU!"

* * *

><p>…the story eventually concludes with<p>

a) a tacky graduation scene

b) a tacky marriage scene

c) a tacky smut scene

d) a tacky cliffhanger

or

e) a tacky, '_it-was-going-to-be-alright-after-all_' scene.

Be sure to hold on to your notes, examiners! I understand if the idea was a lot to handle, but this exhibit was forced to cover a lot of ground because it was such a broad topic. I hope the fumes from the exhibit haven't melted your safety goggles.

Oh, they have? Well, too late now.

Follow me this way, dear readers. We will provide you some new safety goggles as well as an umbrella. You will be needing it to protect yourself from the onslaught of fluff that will be attacking you next exhibition. _IT'S TOO LATE TO TURN BACK NOW!-_ Just kidding. But do stick around, my spectators.

We will now be proceeding to Exhibit Three.


	3. Exhibit Three, or D0n'T di3 1! I l0v3 u!

Are you ready to move on to the next so-freaking-cliché-that-you-just-might-die exhibit?

No? Good.

Dear readers, please take caution as you move; here, turn right. Please take an umbrella- the ones with pink sparkles will do. It doesn't really matter, because they're going to be blown inside-out with this exhibit, and no one will really be paying attention to them, anyway.

This exhibit will require just as many notes as the last one, my fellow examiners. Please turn your textbooks to page 879, and take out your clipboards…

* * *

><p><strong>Cliché Situation #3: <strong>_In which_ Lucy puts herself into a deadly situation, serving as the catalyst for Natsu to realize, "0mG!11! I love her!" This is normally followed by, "No0o0o0o! U CanT d13! I N0 it in My Hart!1!"

Translation, for those of you who couldn't understand that: "I'm an idiot for not realizing my completely out-of-the-blue-but-true-love for Lucy, but now she's dying, and now we have to be angsty and tragic because of my stupidity!"…

* * *

><p>"LUCY!" Natsu roared to the cruel, mocking heavens as they poured onto <em>her<em> fallen figure.

_Damn it, this wasn't supposed to happen!_

And there was so much _blood_… Natsu was shaking as he raced to Lucy's fallen figure, dropping to his knees like the tragic, angsty hero he was.

"Why…?" He took her into his arms, as if his body heat could bring her back to life or something. "Why did you take the hit for me?"

Lucy's lips parted; blood trickled from the corners, and Natsu could feel his entire body tense at the sight. He had (of course) already taken out the bastard that had done this to her, but it wasn't enough… seeing her like this… it was too much.

"Don't be dense," the blonde wheezed (but her hair was stained with blood- well, who knows? With the subtlety of exhibits like these, it could have been mud. Or rain mixed with debris. Or whatever- it might have been ice cream), and he leaned closer to hear her words so she wouldn't have to strain to get them out.

"W-what do you mean, Lucy?" He placed a head on her chest, listening to her feeble, beating heart (this was also a great excuse to use her enormous chest as a cushion, honestly).

"N-Natsu," she coughed. "Why are you so damn stupid?" She truly struggled to get the next words out coherently. "You would have… thought that with all the… epically sappy moments that the author put into the story before this moment… that… we had something… _special_…"

Natsu was dumbfounded (even though Lucy was _right_; the author had indeed included many, many moments of sexual/romantic tension, yet still somehow felt the need to emphasize it anyway, as if it weren't obvious enough). "Lucy, what do you mean?"

"Oh, you _idiot_," Lucy hacked. "We have a baby."

Natsu gawked, and all the wonderfully tragic feelings of a tense atmosphere evaporated instantly. It was a shame, seeing as how the author had _obviously_ put in so much work beforehand to build it up. "You- you're pregnant?"

Lucy shook her head painfully, and the fire mage cradled her to his chest hesitantly; if he jostled her too much, would she break? She was beyond help- they were somehow conveniently miles away from anywhere and anyone that could help her, and he felt so damn… _dead_.

The least he could do would be to hear her out.

Holding her tenderly, Natsu listened as Lucy slowly grit out the truth.

"You see, that night the author decided that s/he was too impatient to have us wait for any more realistic development and stuff, s/he made us have _romantic night of passion and lemon_."

She paused to purposefully show that she was in pain. Natsu nodded encouragingly.

"So, anyway," she gasped out after a moment, "you forgot to use protection because you're an idiot. So I became pregnant and panicked, and went for help.

"And then… before I knew it, I had been somehow dramatically drugged and kidnapped for the sake of drama in the story. Against my will, in case you couldn't tell. And then there was some stuff about blackmail so I couldn't see you, and because I became so angsty, I ended up turning to another guy."

Natsu hissed his fury, but Lucy ignored it- she was busy with her depressing monologue, damn it!

"So anyway, I felt really depressed and years passed and you were looking for Igneel-"

(At this point, she was _totally_ making it up; Natsu frowned in distaste. He had only gone out to get the groceries!)

"-and I had been married off. To Gray, by the way, in case you didn't know."

Natsu's jaw hit the ground, but Lucy only hacked a little and became a little more limp in his arms. He snapped back to attention.

"And then… a really poorly-written antagonist led us to this moment… and then I saw you, and it was like…" she paused for dramatic effect- Natsu waited with bated breath. "It was like seeing the sun after having lived in the dark for an eternity."

(D'aaww. How corny-yet-sweet.)

"Lucy, I never knew you felt this way!" Natsu said, with a rather matter-of-fact tone.

Lucy snorted. "Don't be stupid- we basically had intercourse. Don't tell me it was just sex."

Natsu shifted uncomfortably under Lucy's stare.

"So, continuing on with my story…" She weakly raised a hand to stroke his cheek, and Natsu became utterly aware of how _abrupt_ this was- she was dying! His best friend, the one he trusted the most… _perhaps even his lover_.

_And she was _dying_ because of him…?_

Tears were pouring down his face now as he continued; one fell on the corner of Lucy's mouth as she began to speak; "It was then I realized that during all of those years, I had been lying to myself."

"_No!_" Natsu gasped dramatically. Even in her maimed state, Lucy was able to nod sagely.

"I _know,_ right? Truth was, I'd loved you all this time. Natsu, this is to make up for my sins. Forgive me."

His senses were just as acute as they were unwanted- he could hear her faltering, sputtering heart as it choked. His own answered unsteadily, thumping unevenly with pain.

_Thump-thump. Thump-thump._ (Note that dramatic onomatopoeic words are often used in a pattern to add an element of _tragedy!_cake to the story.)

"I love you, Lucy," he whispered jaggedly.

_Thump-thump. Thump-thump_. (See?)

"_Forgive me,_" she repeated hoarsely; her voice was dying out. Natsu felt a sense of dread claw his senses into oblivion; _this wasn't happening!_ WHY_ her?_ She was as pure, as innocent as-

"Natsu," she deadpanned, because she magically heard his thoughts (despite the fact she was, y'know, _on her deathbed_). "I'm not pure or innocent. We had _sex_."

"Oh. Right." Natsu reconsidered his thoughts. _This wasn't happening!_ WHY _her?_ She was as lovely, as bright and intelligent-

_Thump-thump. Thump-thump._

"Much better," she breathed out, and with that, went her dying breath.

Natsu howled his rage to the stars as her body finally gave out, and her eyes glazed over. No longer would he be able to see the shine, the happiness in her eyes… He sobbed his rage.

(Note: the following line can be freely interchangeable with any other sappy line along the lines of '_I'll never forgetchuuu, babbyyy!_' Anything that was relative to remembering Lucy would be relevant.)

_She would live on in his heart_.

* * *

><p>…the story eventually concludes with a tragic scene involving character death (or something close to it, anyway), meant to be tear-jerking and heart-throbbing. In this case, the exhibit was too riddled with sarcastic comments from meddling authors to be truly angsty, but you get the drift.<p>

Please note that the following scene can be an alternate ending to the exhibit:

* * *

><p>The next day, Lucy was up and walking around again.<p>

"Lucy!" Natsu gaped, and then wrapped his arms around her in relief. "You're _alive_-! But how?"

"Duh," Lucy rolled her eyes. "While I was busy 'dying', a magical portal had opened and sucked me into an alternate universe, where there was another Fairy Tail that was really, really different from this one. And you didn't have motion-sickness."

Natsu briefly considered that incredulously (_not only did it sound really, suspiciously familiar, but _**he didn't have motion-sickness, somewhere in another world?**

"Madness!" He gasped out. Frankly, the notion of anything like that was _impossible_ to believe…

Lucy grinned. "Just shut up and kiss me."

* * *

><p>The story ends with the character coming back from the verge of the death-bed, or a magical came-back-to-life-from-another-world scene. But hey, who does those? They're, like, <em>so<em> cliché.

…

In any case, dear readers, please dispose of your mangled, decapitated umbrellas here. I do hope your goggles haven't spontaneously combusted; we _are_ currently having a deal with safety gear right now, however. Buy one, get one 50% off.

No? Well, it was worth a try.

We will now be proceeding to Exhibit Four.


End file.
